


Should've

by Zig_Zag_F1



Series: You Love Him [4]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Daniel contemplating things, Flashbacks, Guilt, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, No Fluff, Pain, Regret, Sad, Swearing, This is just all bad, This just hurts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-23 01:14:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20883743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zig_Zag_F1/pseuds/Zig_Zag_F1
Summary: Daniel regrets the way he treated Max.





	Should've

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know why but the song You Love Him by Brighten made me want to write things based on each line so here I am. You don't have to listen to the song though, or read the fics in order.
> 
> This is line 9, if anyone cares to know.

_"Should've been good when I could've been good to you..."_

There have always been times where Daniel finds himself lying in bed and falling down a yawning pit of ever-increasing regret. And tonight, with the clock reading half past two, he was quickly realizing it was one of those times.

In spite of his best efforts, sleep evaded him like so many other things. He was tired, but he also couldn't manage to close his eyes.

Now, in the silence, with the world far away, there was nothing he missed more than Max lying next to him. Even now, he couldn't look at the empty space on the bed.

He'd been sleeping on "his" side of the bed all this time, as if somehow if he left Max's side open, Max would return to fill it. 

But Max was right to go. Daniel had let him down in so many ways that he couldn't think about it without feeling pain in his chest.

_I used him, _his brain reminds him. _He deserved better. I should've done so much better._

The thoughts are stark, ugly, and insufferably true. Daniel was the older one, the experienced one, the one who tempted a young and impressionable Max. Thinking of the words "young and impressionable" in connection with the Max he knows now is almost laughable, but yet, there was a time when it was accurate. It seemed like a long time ago now.

Daniel turned onto his side and crushed up his pillow under his head, trying to get comfortable, but it was no use. The discomfort was in his mind, not his body. His mind was wondering again, and he felt powerless to stop it, so he let it go back through the things he didn't want to remember.

_"Come on, Max," He was saying. "Just come over for a little bit?"_

_"I'm at Lando's right now, we're having a good time," Max argued. But Daniel knew he would win. Max could never resist him. _

_"Come onnnnn, Maxy. You know what I want right now."_

_"You're drunk," replied Max shortly. He sounded annoyed and a little hurt. Daniel ignored it. He knew Max would get over it._

_"Yeah I know, but you know I love you Maxy. You should just come over."_

_"Fine," Max said, his tone betraying nothing. "I'll come over. But I wish you'd stop asking me to come over only when you're drunk."_

_"I don't," Daniel protested, but he knows it's a lie. Sober Daniel loves Max as well, but he's too afraid to do the same things Drunk Daniel does._

_"Yeah right," Max huffs, and hangs up on him. _

_But he shows up anyway, and they end up in bed together, because that's always how it ended._

Except that eventually it didn't. Daniel screwed up, and he knew it. He should've been what Max needed, he should've been brave enough to have a sober relationship with him. He should've realized how special Max was instead of taking him for granted. 

Instead of assuming that Max would always be there to take his drunken phone calls and show up in his room for drunken love and sex. 

Daniel had made Max believe that he only cared about him after a few drinks. He had driven Max away by failing to give him the comforts of a relationship, like normal conversations and texts and attention that wasn't sexual. He'd never communicated how he really felt about Max, leaving him to believe Daniel only ever wanted him for a fuck-buddy or a casual friend. 

Daniel had wanted so much more, and because of his own weaknesses and his own cowardice, he would never get to say that to Max. Max had made it abundantly clear what he thought of Daniel and his little game. 

_"Fuck you. Fuck you, Daniel. You've never cared about me. You just wanted an easy fuck and I was stupid enough to give it to you. I've been here for you, I gave you everything, and you can't bring yourself to even call me when you're sober."_

_"I know," Daniel had said, eyes filling with tears. "I'm sorry Max, I'm so sorry. I love you, I do, I promise. I-"_

_"I don't give a shit." Max was fighting tears as well, but it was rage that was carrying him through. "I loved you, Dan. I did, I would've done anything for you, I wanted to be with you. But you're too busy being drunk, too busy needing something to give you the courage you don't have."_

_"Max, please, I really do love you. I'm sorry for everything," Daniel pleaded, words pouring out far too quickly. _

_"You don't love me. I'm just your fuck-buddy who caught feelings," Max choked on the last word, but he continued anyway. "You don't love me, the only thing you love is alcohol. You need help, Dan."_

_Daniel couldn't speak, he just nodded, the tears falling down his face and flooding his throat. _

_"You're a _ _fucking alcoholic and you made me think you loved me," Max went on, not even looking at him. "You're fucking sick. You just couldn't stop stringing me along."_

_"I wasn't...please, I never meant to. The feelings were real Max. Believe me, everything I said was true."_

_"I doubt you even remembered anything you said in those nights by the time you woke up the next morning," Max said icily. "I've had enough. You can fuck off and go to hell."_

_Daniel reached for him as he turned, a last pleading gesture, but Max shook him off and slammed the door on his way out._

Daniel is crying again now, and he feels again how much he hates himself for what he did. He can't understand what the fuck was wrong with him. Max, the person he loved, is gone because he couldn't commit to something, couldn't be honest, couldn't show real love, couldn't _put down the fucking alcohol_.

He's been sober since that day and he doesn't think he'll ever be able to drink again, even if he were on the podium. He doesn't even want to think of alcohol anymore.

It's been six months and he hasn't stopped thinking about all the things he should've done differently, can't stop wishing he had given Max everything there was to give instead of being such an absolute monster.

He doesn't know if Max knows that he doesn't drink anymore, but he doesn't think it matters, doesn't think it would bring Max back to him. Not now, not after all he's done.

It's amazing how even now so many of his thoughts are about Max.

Daniel wonders if Max is okay, if Max has moved on, and if Max is sleeping better than he is tonight.

He hopes so.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry, that was awful of me and it wasn't fun to write either because it was so painful but...arghhh.  
Leave me a comment if you'd like to say shit about it. 
> 
> Just a reminder that none of the fics in this series comply with each other and this is is a standalone work only! Don't be confused about that.
> 
> And of course: it's fictional! And don't copy it! And don't expose it to the Real World! Thanks for reading.


End file.
